The Most Uncomfortable Game Achievements We Didn't Ask For

Achievements are meant to be something of a badge of honor. They're a digital record of your accomplishments in-game. While not as substantial as a merit badge sewn to your sash, they still serve as a way to show your dedication. But developers are capricious gods. They may choose to include achievements that elicit shame rather than pride, just for the lolz.

There are certain achievements in the wide world of gaming that we'd just rather not get. They typically award us for bad in-game behavior, but hey, the developers were the ones that put hours of effort into making said achievement possible, so who's the real sicko here? Probably everyone involved.

We didn't ask for or expect these achievements. They appear in moments of weakness and curiosity, the blip and pop of the achievement coming as a surprise, and an unwelcome one at that.

Postal 2 tries and succeeds to one-up its inappropriate predecessor by giving players the opportunity to be more offensive, raunchy, and violent than ever. What do you expect from a series wherein mass murder is in the name of the game? Seriously, Postal 2 is practically not safe for life: while you're able to play a relatively harmless session, the design of the game gives you the option to commit atrocities straight out of the mind of a budding serial killer, like setting cats on fire, playing a mini-game in which you hunt and kill gay people, and the usual amount of indiscriminate slaughter a Postal game has to offer.

Postal 2 stands out for a ... unique and nevertheless disgusting function: pissing. Postal Dude appears to have a near-perpetually full bladder and makes full use of it by unleashing Mountain Dew-colored streams whenever he sees fit. Developer Running With Scissors decided to add in an achievement for the most twisted of players who are unafraid of peeing in the most public of places. The highly, highly inappropriately titled "R. Kelly's Protege" achievement can be unlocked by urinating in the face of any random bystander until they vomit.

As with the first Postal game and its elementary school ending, Postal 2 hasn't aged well. Although the fact of singer R. Kelly's abuse of underage girls has never been funny, this reference is particularly stale.

Red Dead Redemption is something of a historical fiction. You get a taste of the real issues that cropped up during that dark time of America's history. We say dark because not only was the West rife with violent outlaws and corrupt lawmen, but the time of westward expansion was punctuated by genocide and the sad, sad fate of the American bison.

Manifest destiny was the fancily titled justification behind the forceful occupation of the whole of the American territory as we know it today. The idea was that America, coast to coast, was the God-given right of the people, nevermind the Native American Nations of the Great Plains and beyond, or the fact that Mexico had long-established borders far more North than what we know today. For the American government, the people who lived in their "God-given" lands were a problem. This led to the Mexican-American War and the the veritable war on buffalo.

In order to starve out the existing Native American peoples, the military targeted their main source of food: the bison. At the time, these massive animals numbered more than 30 million, but due to manifest destiny, only a few hundred were left by the end of the 19th century. In Red Dead Redemption, one secret achievement called "Manifest Destiny" allows players to contribute to what President Grant called the solution of the "Indian Problem." Kill the last buffalo on the Great Plains, and you're awarded a heaping five Gamerscore, you monster.

For the sake of your health, consider skipping this next achievement. Aside from being physically uncomfortable, Rock Band 2's secret "Bladder of Steel" award is nigh impossible for anyone who is well hydrated or not musically inclined. To win this coveted title, players will have to play through the entirety of the endless setlist, which apparently does have an end after 84 songs. That's a long time to jam out, approximately six and a half hours depending on load times. You cannot pause the game or fail a song: players will have to remain constantly vigilant and dry-mouthed for the whole of the setlist.

This challenge is brutal on the biggest of bladders. Guides suggest snacking on fruit or having a talented friend nearby to take over a song while you rush to the restroom. It is generally assumed that hardcore guitarists and bassists will want to conquer this physically demanding challenge, but this achievement can be unlocked by the most determined of drummers or vocalists as well. Anyone who doesn't have a very important speech the next day can sing their hearts out for half the day for this considerable, but maybe unhealthy, achievement.

Heavy Rain isn't a comfortable game to play in the first place. The 2010 title sets you in the unfortunate shoes of Ethan Mars as he tries to find his son, who has been kidnapped by the Origami Killer. With little time to save his son, Ethan is forced to go along with the sadistic demands of the killer, who sees fit to test Ethan's dedication as a parent.

The Origami Killer isn't after money, he's after pain. In order to prove how much Ethan loves his son, he must crawl through glass, drink poison, murder a drug dealer, and cut off a finger. Ethan, guilt-ridden, is up to the gruesome challenge. The third test, wrapped up in an origami lizard, gives Ethan five minutes to cut off the last section of one of his fingers. Already pretty terrible, but what's worse is that Ethan has options. Will he go for the hatchet? The saw? Scissors? Pliers? No option is a good option, but some are more brutal than others. Using the saw or scissors isn't the most effective, or quick, method, and thus players who draw out the agony are awarded the "Butcher" achievement if they choose them to snip off their pinky. It's hard to watch, and even harder to feel any accomplishment while Ethan writhes on the floor.

An achievement like this is to be expected from a game like Duke Nukem Forever. Duke, Earth's defender from alien scum everywhere, is something of a ladies' man. He had two live-in girlfriends, the Holsom twins, whose behavior was anything but wholesome. They were way too handsy with each other and were obsessed with pleasing Duke. Unfortunately, they were brutally bursted into a million pieces after being captured and impregnated by aliens.

Keeping all that in mind, our hero Duke is probably feeling a little down. But no worries, the devs behind Duke Nukem Forever hid a crafty little pick-me-up inside the game in the form of a seriously sexy calendar. Humans are curious creatures, so you can't really blame us if we took a break from breaking alien skulls and took a long, hard look at Miss July on an office wall. And then August, September ... all the way up to the naughty Santa girl festooning December. If players are caught thumbing through the whole calendar, they are subtly shamed with the "I Need A Date" achievement.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to load up the games that Santa left for good gamers on Christmas morning. But maybe it's a little weird when that game happens to be Saw 2: Flesh & Blood. Nothing about this third-person descent into darkness says Christmas cheer. The devs at Zombie Studios know it too, which is probably why they made the "You Wasted Your Life" achievement.

This achievement is the easiest to, well, achieve because all it requires of players is to play the game on Christmas day. Or maybe it's the hardest, because Saw 2 isn't the best of games. When the sadomasochistic premise is paired with lackluster gameplay, we would have a hard time putting down the eggnog and playing a single minute of this game, achievement be damned. The secret trophy mocks players for "wasting their lives." The infamous Jigsaw Killer forces people who he thinks don't appreciate life enough into horrific traps that risk life and limb. Careful he doesn't catch you getting this achievement instead of enjoying family on the holiday.