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The most uncomfortable game achievements we didn't ask for

Achievements are meant to be something of a badge of honor. They're a digital record of your accomplishments in-game. While not as substantial as a merit badge sewn to your sash, they still serve as a way to show your dedication. But developers are capricious gods. They may choose to include achievements that elicit shame rather than pride, just for the lolz.

There are certain achievements in the wide world of gaming that we'd just rather not get. They typically award us for bad in-game behavior, but hey, the developers were the ones that put hours of effort into making said achievement possible, so who's the real sicko here? Probably everyone involved.

We didn't ask for or expect these achievements. They appear in moments of weakness and curiosity, the blip and pop of the achievement coming as a surprise, and an unwelcome one at that.

Minecraft - Getting Wood

Minecraft is a game that can be enjoyed by just about anyone: teens, parents, grandparents, Lego enthusiasts, and kids. But kids in particular love this sandbox game; it allows them to explore the wildest reaches of their imaginations with fairly low stakes. Even if you're shot down by skeletons or consumed by zombies, there really is no failure when it comes to Minecraft, which makes it a comfortable game for the start of any fledgling gamer's career.

Depending on the platform you play on, there are anywhere from 30 to 80 achievements to be found in the wide, blocky world of Minecraft. And one of the very first achievements is just a might bit inappropriate considering the seven-year-olds who obsess over the game.

"Getting Wood" in Minecraft is near unavoidable. It is typically the second achievement players recieve after cracking open their inventory. The next step is mining the materials necessary to build your empire. This means punching a couple of trees in order to, yes, get wood. Sophomoric humor? Yes, and easily the most innocent joke on this list of questionable achievements, but it would nevertheless be uncomfortable to hear youngsters proudly crow this particular achievement.

Postal 2 - R. Kelly's Protege

Postal 2 tries and succeeds to one-up its inappropriate predecessor by giving players the opportunity to be more offensive, raunchy, and violent than ever. What do you expect from a series wherein mass murder is in the name of the game? Seriously, Postal 2 is practically not safe for life: while you're able to play a relatively harmless session, the design of the game gives you the option to commit atrocities straight out of the mind of a budding serial killer, like setting cats on fire, playing a mini-game in which you hunt and kill gay people, and the usual amount of indiscriminate slaughter a Postal game has to offer.

Postal 2 stands out for a … unique and nevertheless disgusting function: pissing. Postal Dude appears to have a near-perpetually full bladder and makes full use of it by unleashing Mountain Dew-colored streams whenever he sees fit. Developer Running With Scissors decided to add in an achievement for the most twisted of players who are unafraid of peeing in the most public of places. The highly, highly inappropriately titled "R. Kelly's Protege" achievement can be unlocked by urinating in the face of any random bystander until they vomit.

As with the first Postal game and its elementary school ending, Postal 2 hasn't aged well. Although the fact of singer R. Kelly's abuse of underage girls has never been funny, this reference is particularly stale.

Call of Duty: World at War - Go Get Some Sun

The stereotype of gamers being pasty-skinned, pimply dudes who refuse to leave the safety of their mother's basement is long dead. It should be anyway, considering that gaming is a multi-billion dollar industry made up equally of men and women that number in the billions. Surely, 70% of Americans aren't hiding out at their parents' houses, shrinking away from the light of day as a vampire might and demanding chicken nuggets.

The stereotype might be thoroughly staked, but references to it live on, even within games themselves. You would think that devs would want players to forgo the outside world in order to dedicate more time to playing their game, but instead, one achievement in Call of Duty: World at War implores you to put down the controller and soak in some UV rays. "Go Get Some Sun" is awarded to the most skilled of players, who have achieved tenth prestige in the game's multiplayer mode. Depending on how good a player is, it's safe to say that this achievement only comes after hours upon hours of gameplay. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a break for a little while, but this achievement still sounds particularly judgemental.

Red Dead Redemption - Manifest Destiny

Red Dead Redemption is something of a historical fiction. You get a taste of the real issues that cropped up during that dark time of America's history. We say dark because not only was the West rife with violent outlaws and corrupt lawmen, but the time of westward expansion was punctuated by genocide and the sad, sad fate of the American bison.

Manifest destiny was the fancily titled justification behind the forceful occupation of the whole of the American territory as we know it today. The idea was that America, coast to coast, was the God-given right of the people, nevermind the Native American Nations of the Great Plains and beyond, or the fact that Mexico had long-established borders far more North than what we know today. For the American government, the people who lived in their "God-given" lands were a problem. This led to the Mexican-American War and the the veritable war on buffalo.

In order to starve out the existing Native American peoples, the military targeted their main source of food: the bison. At the time, these massive animals numbered more than 30 million, but due to manifest destiny, only a few hundred were left by the end of the 19th century. In Red Dead Redemption, one secret achievement called "Manifest Destiny" allows players to contribute to what President Grant called the solution of the "Indian Problem." Kill the last buffalo on the Great Plains, and you're awarded a heaping five Gamerscore, you monster.

Metal Gear Solid 4 - Handle with Caution

Sometimes the best way to blend in is by doing something so preposterous that enemies wouldn't dare to assume you're actually there. After all, if you told your superior officer that hardened, legendary special ops soldier Solid Snake was holding onto a statue's delicate bits, they would probably court martial you for drinking on the job. And yet, in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, this is exactly how the wily, now-old Snake conceals himself from detection. Who are we to question the genius of Hideo Kojima?

The idea is that this pose — head ducked into elbow, hand holding a flaccid, marble penis — will make the player blend in with the other statues. Sure. But Molesting a Michelangelo's David lookalike once isn't enough to receive the aptly named "Handle With Caution" achievement. You have to do like the hip kids do and dab a total of three times in order for Snake's tactical gloves to fumble, effectively break off, and fling David's delicate bits. You can still dab, but without the penis on the now-neutered statue, it's just not the same.

Rock Band 2 - Bladder of Steel

For the sake of your health, consider skipping this next achievement. Aside from being physically uncomfortable, Rock Band 2's secret "Bladder of Steel" award is nigh impossible for anyone who is well hydrated or not musically inclined. To win this coveted title, players will have to play through the entirety of the endless setlist, which apparently does have an end after 84 songs. That's a long time to jam out, approximately six and a half hours depending on load times. You cannot pause the game or fail a song: players will have to remain constantly vigilant and dry-mouthed for the whole of the setlist.

This challenge is brutal on the biggest of bladders. Guides suggest snacking on fruit or having a talented friend nearby to take over a song while you rush to the restroom. It is generally assumed that hardcore guitarists and bassists will want to conquer this physically demanding challenge, but this achievement can be unlocked by the most determined of drummers or vocalists as well. Anyone who doesn't have a very important speech the next day can sing their hearts out for half the day for this considerable, but maybe unhealthy, achievement.

Darkest of Days - Horse Puncher

The most dangerous part of time travel is animal abuse. Or at least, that's what this achievement from 2010's time-hopping first-person shooter Darkest of Days seems to imply. Aside from the tangled timeline bogging down the plot, this game generally received mediocre reviews for being a mediocre game. Destructoid absolutely destroyed Darkest of Days, calling it "the worst first-person shooter of this generation."

This review also points out that the game has only 13 achievements, and that they suck. They're pretty bare bones, mostly rewarding players for completing certain chapters. Or for beating NPCs into a bloody pulp with your bare hands. But truly, the stand out achievement from Darkest of Days that leaves us scratching our heads is the "Horse Puncher" achievement. Don't let PETA get wind of this, but the game awards you 100 Gamerscore if you punch a horse in the face and kill it. Why? Just because. You can't melee friendly horses, but in the chaos of the historic Battle of Little Big Horn, anything goes. Guides suggest using the confusion of the battle to approach a Native American, totally ignore the enemy mounted on the animal, and throw some fists at their horse if you're truly determined to become a horse puncher. Clearly someone over at 8monkey Labs had a vendetta against quadrupeds.

Heavy Rain - Butcher

Heavy Rain isn't a comfortable game to play in the first place. The 2010 title sets you in the unfortunate shoes of Ethan Mars as he tries to find his son, who has been kidnapped by the Origami Killer. With little time to save his son, Ethan is forced to go along with the sadistic demands of the killer, who sees fit to test Ethan's dedication as a parent.

The Origami Killer isn't after money, he's after pain. In order to prove how much Ethan loves his son, he must crawl through glass, drink poison, murder a drug dealer, and cut off a finger. Ethan, guilt-ridden, is up to the gruesome challenge. The third test, wrapped up in an origami lizard, gives Ethan five minutes to cut off the last section of one of his fingers. Already pretty terrible, but what's worse is that Ethan has options. Will he go for the hatchet? The saw? Scissors? Pliers? No option is a good option, but some are more brutal than others. Using the saw or scissors isn't the most effective, or quick, method, and thus players who draw out the agony are awarded the "Butcher" achievement if they choose them to snip off their pinky. It's hard to watch, and even harder to feel any accomplishment while Ethan writhes on the floor.

NiER: Automata - What Are You Doing?

Leave it to Yoko Taro to program in this particular achievement. We hesitate to call it an achievement, because the time and effort spent furtively trying to peek up skirts could be better used on more healthy pursuits. Like watching paint dry or literally anything else. We're talking, of course, about the infamous "What Are You Doing?" achievement of NieR: Automata.

This achievement requires players to take on the role of a pervert. Manipulate the camera carefully enough and you may be able to get a glimpse up 2B's skirt. Unlike some games wherein players can covertly creep on anime girls, NieR: Automata is totally aware of the antics its players might get up to. Get into 2B's personal space and she will swat at the camera, turning away from the player. Doing so once isn't enough to prove your mettle as a creep extraordinaire. In order to unlock "What are You Doing?" you have to sneak a peek ten times.

Rather than turn into a serial harasser, this achievement is also available for purchase after three playthroughs. Or who knows? You may just unlock it by accident as 2B jumps around throughout the game. Honestly though, there's too many posts of dudes trying to figure out how to look up this girl's skirt because of the inclusion of this achievement. Thanks, Yoko Taro.

Duke Nukem Forever - I Need A Date

An achievement like this is to be expected from a game like Duke Nukem Forever. Duke, Earth's defender from alien scum everywhere, is something of a ladies' man. He had two live-in girlfriends, the Holsom twins, whose behavior was anything but wholesome. They were way too handsy with each other and were obsessed with pleasing Duke. Unfortunately, they were brutally bursted into a million pieces after being captured and impregnated by aliens.

Keeping all that in mind, our hero Duke is probably feeling a little down. But no worries, the devs behind Duke Nukem Forever hid a crafty little pick-me-up inside the game in the form of a seriously sexy calendar. Humans are curious creatures, so you can't really blame us if we took a break from breaking alien skulls and took a long, hard look at Miss July on an office wall. And then August, September … all the way up to the naughty Santa girl festooning December. If players are caught thumbing through the whole calendar, they are subtly shamed with the "I Need A Date" achievement.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2 - Poor Bob

Kylo Ren wasn't the first emo Sith Lord to throw over-the-top tantrums and take out his frustrations on (relatively) innocent Stormtroopers. Oh no, the honor of overkill goes to Starkiller, the dark protagonist of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2. He's meant to be Darth Vader's secret protege, but it turns out that he's not edgy enough to satisfy Vader's needs.

Despite this, Starkiller is nevertheless decked out with all the usual weapons of a Sith Lord: red lightsabers, Force lightning, and a penchant for Force choking Stormtroopers that he had apparently inherited from his former master. A single swipe of a lightsaber is typically enough to get the job done, but in order to gain the "Poor Bob" achievement, players will have to go the extra mile and be overtly sadistic to some poor Stormtrooper. "Poor Bob" requires you to Force grip a Stormtrooper, impale him, zap him with Lightning, and then throw him into an object. All while his buddies look on in horror. Poor Bob, indeed.

Saw 2: Flesh & Blood - You Wasted Your Life

There's nothing wrong with wanting to load up the games that Santa left for good gamers on Christmas morning. But maybe it's a little weird when that game happens to be Saw 2: Flesh & Blood. Nothing about this third-person descent into darkness says Christmas cheer. The devs at Zombie Studios know it too, which is probably why they made the "You Wasted Your Life" achievement.

This achievement is the easiest to, well, achieve because all it requires of players is to play the game on Christmas day. Or maybe it's the hardest, because Saw 2 isn't the best of games. When the sadomasochistic premise is paired with lackluster gameplay, we would have a hard time putting down the eggnog and playing a single minute of this game, achievement be damned. The secret trophy mocks players for "wasting their lives." The infamous Jigsaw Killer forces people who he thinks don't appreciate life enough into horrific traps that risk life and limb. Careful he doesn't catch you getting this achievement instead of enjoying family on the holiday.