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Dumb Things Everyone Ignores About GTA 5

As a series, Grand Theft Auto has never been accused of making the most sense. Characters are routinely over the top caricatures, while crime runs rampant and technology always seems to develop at an alarming rate (especially if the technology in question makes blowing things up easier). Heck, some of the things gamers have found in Grand Theft Auto games defy explanation.


However, there are certain things that we just let slide in the name of fun and immersion. Much like Trevor Philips walking away from an exploding building, we've learned to never look back. Even Grand Theft Auto 5, which is still going strong years after release, contains more than a few elements that will add wrinkles to your brain if you think about them too hard. So let's do that, shall we? These aren't exactly problems, but Grand Theft Auto has always been a series that pokes fun at itself and invites players to participate. From magical barbers to the world's most beleaguered police force, here are some of the sillier aspects of Grand Theft Auto 5 that we just kind of roll with.

Never sleep, always assist

Entrepreneurs in San Andreas already have a leg up in the world, as their sweet headquarters come with a devoted assistant ... and we mean devoted. Whether you arrive in your office in the wee hours or the dead of night, this go-getter of an NPC will always be there at the front desk with a greeting and plenty of snacks. So what's the deal here? 


One possibility is that they live in the office, so they're always ready to roll when the boss storms in with a new less-than-legal mission. The other, more depressing possibility is that they're always just about to leave whenever you come in with new schemes. Imagine this: your assistant has just gotten off the phone with their NPSO (Non-Playable Significant Other) and told them they've finally finished the paperwork from the last insane job. But just as your assistant is about to step out the door and head home for the night, your character comes barging in at 4 in the morning, smelling of booze and gunpowder. Hopefully it's the former, because otherwise, the life of an assistant in the world of GTA Online is a never-ending nightmare.


Wanted no longer

So you've robbed someone or been in a shootout and now you find yourself on the run. The police are on your tail and even though you've managed to shoot out some of their tires and run a few squad cars off the road; they're closing in fast. Luckily for all you virtual felons out there, relief is just a phone call away. You call up your buddy Lester and (for a fee) he makes your Wanted level go away. Now the police are off your back and you can cruise to your apartment in peace.


There's only one problem: why would the police back off? Sure, we can buy that Lester, extra-legal wizard that he is, hacks the police database and removes the warrant for your arrest. Maybe he even sends a message that calls off the APB on your vehicle. But what about the police who have been following you? The ones who have just seen you run over a couple of their buddies or fire right at them? You're in an active chase, so do they just back off and assume this was all just a misunderstanding? Not likely.

Cars are nearly unstoppable

As the name would imply, Grand Theft Auto encourages quite a bit of vehicular mayhem. There are plenty of missions in which the player is tasked with stealing a vehicle, not to mention all of the shenanigans players can get up to while free-roaming through Los Santos and the surrounding counties. Unfortunately, these escapades behind the wheel are usually met with all manner of resistance, with rival gangs and police officers usually right on your tail, emptying a clip into the back of your freshly-stolen ride.


It's a good thing, then, that cars in Grand Theft Auto 5 seem to be particularly invincible. Sure, they can run out of gas if the fuel tank is damaged. Otherwise, though, unless the car in question happens to get totally blown up, it will continue run despite even the most catastrophic damage. Only one tire left? No problem. Just went over a cliff? Just make sure you land on the bumper and you should be a-okay. It's like even the dinkiest little sedan in GTA 5 is made out of the same vibranium as Captain America's shield.

Miracle hospitals

This just in: hospitals in Los Santos and surrounding areas can raise the dead. No, really. How else can you explain getting an RPG to the face or being dropped out of a helicopter and then walking out of a hospital mere moments later? As if that weren't miraculous enough, it's not even that much of a strain on your wallet.


Coming back from the dead in video games is certainly nothing new, but the logistics of the hospitals in Grand Theft Auto 5 are something altogether different. You just crashed your stolen stealth jet into the Vinewood sign? No worries. For a small chunk of your ill-gotten change, the witch doctors at Los Santos Medical Center will piece you back together and send you on your merry way.

Volleyball nets: the ultimate obstacle

Since players spend so much time behind the wheel of some motorized vehicle or another in Grand Theft Auto 5, it's natural to expect a few hazards on the road to success. It's easy to wreck yourself before you've finished a mission and scored a big payout. However, with some clever maneuvering and a little bit of force, Michael and his cohorts are usually able to strong-arm their vehicle through just about anything. Lampposts, pesky pedestrians, and even other cars will crumple or move out of your way with the right amount of inertia. However, if you're driving along the beach, you have to make sure to avoid the bane of all carjackers' lives: the mighty volleyball net.  


Yes, for some reason, volleyball nets in San Andreas are impenetrable shields, capable of stopping a giant truck dead in its tracks. There are a few other immovable objects that will likewise impair your getaway, like park benches and hedges. It's unclear why a car can't pass through a simple shrubbery, but perhaps the law enforcement of San Andreas should take note. Maybe they should start surrounding their banks and jewelry stores with volleyball nets and bushes.

Yoga is the actual worst

"Did Somebody Say Yoga?" may be the worst mission in the history of the Grand Theft Auto franchise. Yes, even worse than the GTA 5 mission where Trevor gets to operate a crane for no reason. While that one is certainly tedious, "Did Somebody Say Yoga?" is essentially one interminably long quick-time event where you get to control Michael as he ... does yoga. You just press the correct combination of buttons to get Michael into the correct poses and that's it. Sure, it eventually leads to a confrontation, but the first half of the mission is a test in patience. 


The reason we bring up this mission is that it's not the only time you can do yoga in the game. No, players can choose to return to the peak of Mount Gordo and participate in another annoying button-mashing yoga session, if that's what they're into. However, even the GTA Wiki essentially advises against this activity, "as [Mount Gordo's] remote location leaves Michael susceptible to cougar attacks." Basically, if you enjoy the act of GTA yoga, the game can (and probably will) punish you. Why would anyone do this of their own free will?

Odd business expenses

Maintaining a business isn't cheap in the real world. In the world of Grand Theft Auto 5, however, the expenses add up in the strangest ways. One of the most prominent examples is when you try to rename your business online. Tired of calling yourselves "Gangstas, Inc." and want to change it to something more dignified, like "Sharp Chedda Ltd."? The cost of simply changing the name of your business is a cool $250,000. 


To put just how absurd this is in perspective, we have to take a look at how some other actions are monetized within the game proper. For instance, there are assassination missions in GTA 5 that pay less than what renaming your business costs, with the Hotel Assassination only paying $9,000. In other words, someone's life is worth less than a fancy font in Grand Theft Auto 5.

Some of this makes sense, of course. In a world where petty crooks have access to jet packs and mini-guns, maintaining a healthy business must be expensive. The overhead costs in San Andreas have got to be bonkers.

Perfect aim forever

The multiple antagonists of Grand Theft Auto 5 all have different abilities and attributes that, in theory, make them suitable candidates for different missions throughout the game. Each of them have different skills, like Franklin's ability to slow down time while driving, making fancy getaway maneuvers more of a breeze. You can also raise your characters' skills through activities like running, swimming, and plain old punching. You can even level up your shooting abilities, but that one doesn't seem quite so mandatory.


See, Grand Theft Auto 5 implements an automatic aiming mechanic that makes your crosshairs snap to a target, allowing you to dole out your own special brand of justice to large groups of aggressors. Though this mechanic can be switched off, as pointed out by Canada.com's review of the game, "Some missions are nearly impossible since the game was designed to have auto aim enabled." However, having it on kind of defeats the purpose of trying to level up your shooting skills. For something that ostensibly makes you play better, it's kind of a lose-lose situation.

Where we're going, we don't need rules

Despite the heavy police presence, traffic enforcement of any kind appears to be completely non-existent in San Andreas. This would be less noticeable if so much of the game weren't focused on the act of, well, theft-ing autos. If you manage to steal a car without alerting the police, you should be free to go. The game goes through all of the trouble of animating stoplights and simulating realistic traffic patterns (well, for the most part, anyway). But there's no real point to this attention to detail when you can just blow through stop signs and red lights or even just drive the wrong way down a one way street. 


As long as you don't start mowing down pedestrians, it doesn't matter if you follow the rules of the road. Heck, street races are a nightly occurrence in this town. Just keep your gun holstered and watch out for civilians, and you can race to your heart's content.

The least rewarding job in video games

Real talk: why on earth would anyone ever want to be a police officer in San Andreas? This is a city where there seem to be a hundred separate jewelry heists per day, every supposedly "normal" citizen is apparently one wrong look away from losing their cool and going on a rampage, every business owner seemingly has their own criminal empire, and the most popular local radio show is hosted by an aggressive sexual deviant. Basically, being a cop in Grand Theft Auto 5 has got to be the least rewarding job of all time.


There must be some incredible incentive program for joining the police academy in San Andreas, because the city never seems to run out of cops, either. Think about it: you could mow down every pursuing officer in your way after every single mission in GTA 5's story campaign and online mode and there would still be zillion left to chase you down next time; they're like the Hydra of law enforcement. The benefits package must be pretty nice. Maybe when the police get injured here, all of their visits to the magical resurrection hospitals are free?

You paid too much for that suppressor

Look, it's not that the suppressor didn't work. It did exactly what it was supposed to and made your sniper rifle or handgun nearly silent, allowing you to live out all your deepest Agent 47 dreams in the mean streets of Los Santos. Unfortunately, it did not keep every police officer in Los Santos from somehow knowing that you're the one who fired off the shot. Even if you're in a quiet perch on a building or nestled behind a bush, the police department will sometimes react to the spot where the shot came from like you just set off a firecracker and waved your arms at them. As this video points out, sometimes it also seems like it's up to the AI whether or not people care about your silenced weapon.


It's worth noting that suppressors aren't exactly silent in real life, but that's neither here nor there. In the world of video games, where suppressors are these magical nozzles that protect you from suspicion, one can't help but feel that the local Ammu-Nation owes your character a prompt refund and a sincere apology. Agent 47 would be embarrassed.

From riches to rags

Every upstanding criminal in San Andreas wants to look their best. But to do so, they're going to need an absurd amount of cash. That's because clothing and accessories in Grand Theft Auto 5 are apparently only for the 1%. Seriously, even a trip to a vintage store on the corner will run poor Michael a higher bill than a visit to Saks Fifth Avenue. 


This is understandable when looking at upscale suits and tuxedos or even body armor ... but $200 for a plain purple beanie? For that kind of change, it had better do more than just keep your characters' ears warm. It should be bullet-proof. Maybe it's asking too much for the in-game exchange of currency to be slightly more realistic, but an off-the-rack blazer should never cost the same amount as a machine gun.

Magic barbers

Much like clothing and accessories, haircuts can cost quite a bit in the world of Grand Theft Auto 5. Unlike those creature comforts, haircuts might actually be worth the cost, because they seem to be accomplished through some form of alchemy. How else can you explain being able to walk into a barbershop with a character who has a completely bald head and leave with a full mane of luxurious hair?


What happens when the camera pans away and the barber gets to work? Is there an extended sequence of Franklin or Michael getting extensions put in that we don't get to see? Does someone glue a beard to them or is there some kind of tonic that the salons of San Andreas carry that encourages rapid hair growth? Is it some kind of spell? No one gets to immediately look that fresh without making some kind of dark deal.

It's not nice to be Wanted

In general, Wanted levels in Grand Theft Auto 5 are outrageously inconsistent. The police can be chasing another felon and bump into you, then decide you're the problem. Now you're in a chase and have to either outrun them or pay Lester to make it all go away, and all because someone else hit your vehicle.


Pedestrians will panic and call the police if you even stand too close to them for an extended period of time, as seen in this video. What could the arrest warrant possibly say: "Suspect was seen standing by a bench. Use of deadly force is not only advised, but encouraged. Send literally all of our officers"?

On the flip side, the police force in San Andreas seem to operate on a code of "out of sight, out of mind." It doesn't matter if you've just stolen a million dollars from a bank or assassinated a visiting politician. If you can drive into some back alley and lay low, then the police can't be bothered. The officers in the GTA universe have the long-term memories of goldfish.