RPGs You Should Never Play Around Your Partner
Video games should bring us together. There's nothing better than an afternoon of couch co-op cuddled up with your significant other. Plenty of games cater to this kind of date night: Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime, Minecraft, and Overcooked, just to name a few. There are plenty of games that would ruin a good time with your favorite person, and we're not just talking about single player games.
It's no secret that there is a plethora of games that have ... questionable premises. There are some that are so lewd, crude, and socially unacceptable that they will make your significant other question why they're together with you in the first place. Think of this article as a guide on what not to play if you want to keep your relationship. Don't get caught playing these games, or worse, actively enjoying them. The following titles are best played in a dim room, the blinds drawn, and the door locked.
HuniePop is all about pursuing pretty ladies ... and matching three
HuniePop is hailed as a classic for connoisseurs of a ... certain kind of bodacious design. Part dating sim, part puzzle game, you assume the role of an unnamed protagonist who is seriously lacking in game when it comes to pursuing pretty ladies. Thankfully for them, a lingerie-clad Love Fairy comes to their aid in order to make impressing the women of the game as easy as a match-three game.
The ultimate goal of the game is seduction. The player picks the correct responses and solves match three puzzles in order to gain the trust and affection of one (or more) of eight girls. The girls themselves wear some outfits that belong in a fetish shop rather than on a public street. Famously, or infamously, mature in rating, HuniePop isn't exactly a game that one can play out in the open. Significant others might take exception to your dating multiple 2D women.
Kindergarten 2 isn't kind to kids - and your partner isn't into it
Patience and understanding with small, typically irritable rugrats is a sure sign of a keeper. That's why you can never, ever let your partner know that you love to play Kindergarten 2. This isn't a game that's kind to kids. Kindergarten 2 is a follow up to the 2017 adventure game that has the player assume the role of a kid in a kindergarten from hell. There's blood, guts, and cruelty to cats, all for the sake of a couple laughs.
No kid is safe as you work to survive the school day by making deals and doing favors. The children and staff in this school are actively murderous, so don't be surprised when you discover a trail of blood or get falsely accused of rape. Yes, this takes place in a kindergarten, believe it or not. An incredibly violent game wrapped up in an innocuous 8-bit package, bullying is the last thing you have to worry about when trying to stay alive in Kindergarten 2.
This is probably a title best played on your own, out of sight from both children and life partners with whom you may have children.
Super Seducer is back and worse than ever
Despite the controversy surrounding the original Super Seducer, a second game was made in the name of purportedly taking players' "skills with women to the NEXT next level." Super Seducer 2 – Advanced Seduction Tactics claims to put the player into realistic simulations of real life encounters with women, allowing players to try to charm them. The thing is, the advice that these games peddle is anything but charming. Super Seducer 2 makes the same sexist assumptions and commentary that the first game did, but this time has added in some racist stereotypes all in the name of becoming irresistible.
It's almost so bad that it's good. Almost. There's something inherently uncomfortable about the gameplay, which is centered around seducing women with cheesy lines and outright lies — seriously, don't let your partner catch you catfishing a much younger woman. Or roleplaying as the boss coming on to his secretary. Or the guy at the strip club trying to score with a stripper. There's really no situation in a Super Seducer game that a sane significant other would approve of. Or, for that matter, a sane person of any kind.
HunieCam Studio puts you at the head of a sleazy operation
The original HuniePop seems mild compared to the X-rated operation behind HunieCam Studio. Borrowing characters from the dating sim/puzzle game, HunieCam Studio is a management/business tycoon game, but rather than running a farm or a city, the player takes on the role of a manager of a sleazy cam girl operation. Don't let the adorable interface fool you: HunieCam Studio has the player handing out cocaine and sex toys all in the name of making money.
A veritable pimp, the player recruits girls to digitally seduce a horde of fans with varying fetishes. We had to consult Urban Dictionary to figure out exactly what some of these degenerates were into. From there, players have to keep their girls stress free and their business afloat as it grows to be a considerable operation. Why work so hard to gain a following of basement dwellers with disposable income? For the phallic trophies of course! There are plenty of Steam achievements for players to guiltily earn. One look at this game's trailer and you'll know it's best if no one knows about your, ahem, virtual side business.
Chinese Parents may out you as a bad parent to your partner
Talking about kids is reserved for more serious conversations with your partner. Curious as to what kind of parent you might be? Play Chinese Parents alone first before chancing a playthrough in front of your significant other, because you might be surprised what kind of parent you turn out to be. Play as the ultimate helicopter parent as you micromanage every single aspect of your child's life. And we do mean every single aspect.
The goal of this game is the goal of any parent: to raise a happy and successful child. There's no single route to do that, however, and you might find yourself berating your kids for B grades and demanding that they put extra hours into studying algebra. As a parent, you want to be able to brag about your kid to other parents who also want to say how great their kids are. These demands and disappointments can make your child stressed, even depressed. It's up to you to decide how much you shame your child. This game could dangerously reveal exactly what kind of parent you would be.
House Party is a house of horrors
House Party, censored or not, is a game that's not safe for life. The name of the game is seducing women by any means necessary, even if that means deceit and blackmail. Players become the guest at a house party, their only friend there preoccupied by a crush (which the player can choose to pursue for themselves, by the way). With the goal of getting lucky with the dubious consent of one of the eligible girls at the party, the player has to complete a series of convoluted tasks in order to properly corner the woman of their choice. Or Frank.
Due to a misunderstanding, the player might end up having a backyard trist with the straight-edge guy at the party. This isn't to mention all the naked hot tub antics, the search for and retrieval of whippits, and the mean-spirited pranks. All the women in the game are blank-eyed stereotypes without much substance. Even if you don't choose the boneheaded dialogue options, it's difficult to avoid looking like a jerk for playing this game in front of your significant other as you lie your way into the hearts, and pants, of the various women at the house party.
Hentai Girl Division is exactly what it sounds like
In case a title like Hentai Girl Division didn't tip you off to the exact nature of this game, maybe the fact that it is produced by a company simply called Mature Games will. Mature Games developed Hentai Girl Division with one thing, and one thing only, in mind: the addictive, shoot 'em up gameplay. Okay, it's actually very clear that considerable time and budget was put into the oversexualized artwork of gently bouncing babes on the game's menu.
Seriously, the reviews say it all. On Steam, the game rates as very positive with most of the comments centering around the fact that the brave girls fighting the alien enemies are preposterously gifted when it comes to their chests. You might think that they should be focused on saving the world, but instead, they get sidetracked by the latest outfits that the general (that's you, dear player) picks out for them. You'll have a hard time convincing your partner that you're into Hentai Girl Division purely for the plot.
Super Columbine Massacre RPG gamifies a national tragedy
There's a lot of games you shouldn't play in front of your partner, but this title is one that you shouldn't let anyone know that you like. It's been called both brave and disgusting, important and in poor taste. We're talking about Super Columbine Massacre RPG, which is a game that really exists, unfortunately.
The game tells the story, in 16-bit detail, of the tragedy of 1999's Columbine High School massacre, wherein two students murdered twelve students and one teacher. The game has the player navigate this crime as either Eric Harris or Dylan Klebold, the school shooters, as they plan and execute the massacre. The game is riddled with graphic images from the crime scene, including that of grieving mothers and dead students.
Why would someone make such a grisly game based on a national tragedy? According to creator Danny Ledonne, the real object of the game is to understand the school shooting. According to us, you should avoid this game if you want to maintain healthy relationships.
Conan Exiles is a barbaric game that will change how your partner looks at you
Conan Exiles is an open world game that allows you to explore vast and strange expanses with friends. But it may be for the best if you don't. Alone, you can take full advantage of the game's penchant for hedonism without worry. Run around naked, take part in cannibalism and orgies. You know, stuff that your partner loves.
To begin with, Conan Exiles shows exactly how barbaric it is by giving players the "breast size" and "endowment" sliders in the character creation menu. Even if players forgo the naked nature of the game, the world is a brutal and largely immoral place that forces its inhabitants to be just as ruthless. To get ahead, players can seek out deities to devote themselves to. This gives them various buffs and some gruesome tasks to accomplish. Derketo, goddess of fertility, is especially pleased when her followers engage in necrophilia, bestiality, and weeks-long orgies. Maybe this is a barbarian side of you that your partner is best off not getting acquainted with.
Doki Doki Majo Shinpan takes "witch hunt" to an unwholesome new level
There's probably a reason why Doki Doki Majo Shinpan ("Thump Thump Witch Judgement") was never ported to the West. It might have something to do with the fact that, in order to play the game, you have to touch and harass junior high school girls while they actively beg you to stop. This is done in the noble pursuit of finding "witch's marks" and outing your classmates as witches, of course. No other reason.
Uh yeah, you don't want to get caught "examining" underage girls by your partner. As the player searches for signs of witchery, they go through their classmates' belongings before resorting to giving them a non-consensual pat down complete with jiggle animations. These investigations last for an agonizingly long time as the player character pokes, prods, and taps away at these schoolgirls. Somehow a second game was made, Doki Doki Majo Shinpan Duo, which came with the bonus of even skimpier outfits that would make your partner have serious doubts about your relationship.
Polymorphous Perversity is a XXX RPG that your partner won't want to see you play
Started as an experiment on RPG Maker by psychotherapist Nicolau Chaud, Polymorphous Perversity soon became much bigger, and much more perverse, than he originally intended. The game is a turn-based RPG in spirit, but in execution it's practically porn. Every "battle" is actually a graphic (as graphic as 16-bits can get) coupling. In the world of Polymorphous Perversity, if you don't have sex, you'll die.
The player, stark naked, wanders around a world peppered with couples committing various lewd acts. There's not a single second that is SFW, let alone safe to play around your partner, because not only is the aim of the game to have a whole lot of sex, but the icons and backgrounds are strictly X-rated. Within the first minutes of the game, the player finds themselves bouncing from one random encounter into a threesome. The world is filled with randy NPCs, and no fetish is left unexplored as the player character picks up various ... "techniques" to "defeat" their "enemies." This hedonistic paradise could wreak hell on your relationship.
Episode is a morally bankrupt fantasy fufillment game
What's hip with the kids these days? Apparently a mobile game called Episode. More than just a game, "the Episode app is a mobile storytelling network and platform. Episode features interactive Hollywood-caliber stories built from the ground up for mobile." These "Hollywood-caliber" stories put the player in a wide variety of situations, from plots pulled from TV and film to original, user-generated tales.
There's nothing wrong with playing a mobile choose-your-own adventure game. The issue with Episode is that many of the choices you can make aren't the most moral. In this game, worryingly marketed toward teens, you can easily find yourself hopping naked into bed with strangers, being complicit with outright cheating, and a whole lot more lying than any sane significant other would be comfortable with. Episode has built an empire on racy, questionable storylines and pre-teen drama wherein players can live out any fantasy, including the one that might make your partner uncomfortable at best, and angry at worst.
Mr. Mosquito has you play a pervy parasite
The worst thing about a hot, summer night is the mosquitos. Those blood-sucking bugs can ruin a good date night, or any other night, frankly. Why ruin a date by playing as a buzzing, biting, strangely perverted mosquito-esque robot?
Mr. Mosquito allows you to step into the shoes (wings?) of a mosquito and harass the Yamada family on a humid summer evening. This might sound like a fun, inventive game with an original concept, but alas, Mr. Mosquito is strangely sexually charged, making it not-so-ideal for date night. The game has you, as Mr. Mosquito, trying to get as much blood as possible. This leads to the player creeping on the household's teenage daughter as she sleeps, and later as she bathes. In order to avoid being noticed, and therefore squashed, Mr. Mosquito rams himself into suggestively placed "relaxation points" to keep his human prey from paying attention to him. We're going to go ahead and suggest that this isn't typical mosquito behavior and is instead the result of the perverted mind of the game's developer.