Embarrassing game achievements you'd never admit to friends

For many gamers today, it's not enough to beat a game — the game is only truly conquered once you've earned as many achievements as possible. But not all achievements are created equal. For every "beat the game on Expert mode" or "took no damage at all," there's a trophy that will heap nothing but embarrassment on any player unfortunate enough to "earn" it. Here are some of the most humiliating achievements you'd probably rather delete than actually show any of your friends.

Metal Gear Solid 2 HD - Snake Beater

The Metal Gear Solid series has always snuck cheeky humor into its otherwise-heavy military/sci-fi storyline, but the "Snake Beater" achievement from Metal Gear Solid 2 HD might be the cheekiest of all. It's certainly not one you'd brag about to your mom.

To unlock this skeevy little trophy, open up lockers until you find one with a poster of a scantily-clad woman hanging on the door. Get into first-person mode and then just stare at the poster for awhile. Be sure to focus on what's below the neck, and you'll soon find out why. After about ten seconds or so, call Otacon and enjoy his immediate revulsion. 

"What do you think you're doing, Snake?" he asks, as if Snake's facial expression doesn't immediately give it away. "You don't have enough to keep you busy? Try to remember the mission, if you can," Otacon continues. And now you know why they call it "Snake Beater."

This immature little achievement is proof to all that even when international safety is at stake, and nuclear war could break out at any time, Solid Snake still needs a little me-time every now and again.

Command and Conquer 3 - Welcome to 2047

If not for buttons, video games as we know them wouldn't exist. Even still, that doesn't mean we enjoy the pressing of buttons for their own sake. But if you unlock Command and Conquer 3's "Welcome to 2047" achievement, you literally did just that.

If you really want this trophy, you simply have to press the A button. 2047 times. In a row. It's not a "throughout the entire game" thing — you literally have to sit there and mash a single button more times than the AD era has years. If you're wondering why 2047, it's because that's the year Command and Conquer 3 is set in. 

So it could be worse — the game could've taken place in the year 150,000.

According to True Achievements, it should take roughly 15 minutes of repeatedly pressing A to earn this achievement, even though you can probably think of countless more interesting ways to spend 15 minutes. The best way to earn this one is if a friend owes you a favor, and you make them press A for you while you just eat pizza.

Guitar Hero II - Long Road Ahead

Many songs in Guitar Hero are super-challenging, which is why the game blessed us with Easy Mode. When you're playing on Easy, it's actually close-to-impossible to fail a song. Maybe you won't ace it, but flunking it means you either didn't try at all, or you truly are the worst Guitar Hero player of all time.

Whoever designed the game's achievements appears to have erred towards the latter, with the "Long Road Ahead" trophy awarded to anyone who fails a song on Easy Mode. As if the virtual crowd booing and jeering you wasn't enough, now you get actual proof — that other people can see — that you never should've picked up a video game guitar. Chances seem good a real guitar would just make you explode.

Dead Rising 2: Off the Record - Adult Content

Being a zombie game, you'd forgive Dead Rising 2: Off The Record if its achievements lacked in goofy fun. Zombies are serious, brain-eating business, after all. But with the "Adult Content" achievement, you're getting a hefty dose of humor in between zombie deaths. But let's just say it's not the kind of humor you'd want to show your family, or gloat about to your buddies.

To earn this trophy, enter a store called the Uranus Zone — let's say it doesn't have that name just because they sell outer space memorabilia. Go to the bar and you'll find four curiously-shaped objects the game calls "alien probes." You likely call them something else. Take a good close-up picture of all four and you'll unlock "Adult Content." There: you've shown the world that when you play video games, you're not above carving out a little time to take snapshots of naughty grown-up toys. It could be worse, though. There could be an achievement for using them.

Dead or Alive 4 - 20 Straight Losses in DoA Online

You might think a game in the Dead or Alive series — a franchise famed more for its overtly animated bouncing ladies than anything else — would have an embarrassing achievement based around bosoms. On the contrary, DoA 4 prefers to focus its booby-prize trophies on you being an absolutely awful player.

To get "20 Straight Losses in DoA Online," you have to do exactly that. You must go online, fight 20 matches, and lose every last one of them. It's hard to emphasize just how difficult that is. Most everyone, given 20 chances to win a match in a fighting game, will emerge victorious at least once. To go 0-for-20, you likely would need to stand still, and have 20 different opponents — many of whom don't know you from any other anonymous player — figure out what you're doing and play along. And once that happens, you get the honor of owning a trophy whose title doesn't even bother to mask the almost impressive anti-feat you just pulled off.

Lollipop Chainsaw - I Swear! I Did It By Mistake!

Lollipop Chainsaw is about as family-friendly as you'd expect a game starring a scantily-clad cheerleader wielding a chainsaw would be. But for the most part it's a straight-ahead game, with straight-ahead achievements. That is, except for the oddly-named "I Swear! I Did It By Mistake!" achievement, whose owners almost certainly did not do it by mistake.

This is actually the first trophy you can unlock, meaning if you have it, you purchased the game with one thing in mind. That's because to earn "I Swear," you need to position the camera below your cheerleader character, and then look up and take a gander at what lies underneath. You basically turn the camera into a shoe mirror, and we're not going to show that footage here. Find it yourself if you must, or you can bypass this "achievement" altogether and appreciate the game for what it's really about: a cartoonish overabundance of violence, blood, and gore.

Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth II - Try a Tutorial

When you've reached a certain level of expertise in your game, it becomes difficult to lose to anyone at a lower level than you. It's almost impossible to lose to someone almost two dozen levels weaker than you, but if you can manage just that in Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-earth II, the game's "Try a Tutorial" achievement will immortalize your dubious achievement for all to see.

When Middle-earth was active, EA maintained an online leaderboard that ranked all their players (though according to True Achievements, EA does not update this board anymore). The higher you were ranked, the better a player you were–in theory anyway. If somebody managed to lose a match to someone at least 20 spaces lower than them, they earned "Try a Tutorial," which was basically the game telling the player they don't deserve to be ranked as high as they were. On the other hand, the player who just beat someone ranked 20 or more spaces above them also earned an achievement, called "The Hobbit and the Troll." That's a far more impressive trophy to display, as it's basically the online gaming equivalent of Smeagol beating the crap out of Sauron.

Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse - Pervert

It'd almost be a disappointment if a Family Guy video game didn't have any embarrassing achievements for your weird collecting pleasure. But the "Pervert" trophy is double-sketchy, both for how you get it and what you're rewarded with afterwards.

To be labelled a digital perv, enter the hotel in the "No Cheese, Please" level and wander the rooms until you find Quagmire. He's chained to a bed wearing a diaper and baby bonnet, y'know, like Quagmire does. Once you find him, as much as you may want to leave ASAP, stay in the room for 30 seconds. Doing so will net you the "Pervert" achievement. And since you just spent time staring at a middle-aged man dressed like a baby, you've pretty much earned it.

But the game's not done humiliating you. Like every other trophy in gaming, "Pervert" comes with an avatar. In this case, it's Herbert, the creepy old man with a cringey crush on Chris Griffin. You now get to stare at his mug each time you check your trophies, which might be enough to make you use your muscly throwing arms to chuck your system in the trash, rather than risk anybody seeing what you've done.

Fable II - Menace to Society

Fable II isn't a comedy game, but one of the achievements, Menace to Society, seems like it was designed for uneasy laughs, especially considering what happens at the end.

To become a menace, you need to earn or buy an ability called "Vulgar Thrust," which is exactly what you'd imagine. Once you have it, remove all your clothes and start running around a busy area. Run up to whomever you like and select the Vulgar Thrust ability to, well, vulgarly thrust at them. Some may not react, others might react positively and give you a reward, but some won't like it at all. If you thrust at someone who hates it and is offended by you, they'll report you to the authorities. At that point, you'll be punished exactly how you'd expect a fantasy video game to punish a player for multiple acts of public sexual harassment: they fine you ten gold pieces.

Once you pay that wallet-busting penalty, you can add "Menace to Society" to your trophy collection. You will then spend the rest of your life not mentioning that trophy to anyone, least of all your priest.

Secret Service - The Exact Opposite of Your Job

Secret Service is a game about — get this — the Secret Service. There's a coup against the president and it's your job, as an elite agent, to put a stop to it. Or, if you're really into terrible video game achievements, you can aid the coup and completely throw the country off-balance.

At the end of the final stage, the new president, who was the vice-president until his boss died from gunshot wounds earlier in the day, is being held hostage in an airplane. It's your job to kill the guy holding him hostage — in other words, you must be a bad enough dude to rescue the president. Or, you could kill him. Yep, this game lets you shoot the President of the United States, the one guy in the game you most definitely aren't supposed to shoot. That earns you "The Exact Opposite of your Job" achievement, which, presumably, sets up an off-camera ending where the violent coup works and the entire US government is overthrown. Nice going, Agent Wilkes Booth.