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The Worst Things Goat Simulator 3 Made Us Do

"Goat Simulator" became a surprise hit with its first release in 2014. Ever since, the title has spawned multiple spin-offs and expansions that spoof various sectors of the games industry. Due to its overall silly nature and oddball charm — not to mention the fact that it's just undeniably fun — the series has found many fans. The latest game in the series is no different, as critics have enjoyed diving back into the mayhem.


The games see players controlling a goat in a large sandbox with a wacky physics engine that allows just about everything to ragdoll, get tossed around, and glitch out in hilarious ways. Within that sandbox players can either make their own fun or complete numerous puzzles and set pieces, all while searching for more secrets and minigames. Goofy sequences are sprinkled throughout the world and can be a lot of fun for players to figure out, like trying to become a demonic goat in the first game.

Seeking out this kind of absurdity is one of the biggest draws of "Goat Simulator," and with "Goat Simulator 3" releasing on the newest generation of consoles — and yes, the bizarre title of the new game skips "Goat Simulator 2"  — players have been curious to see what new heights of absurdity are on display. As it turns out, things can get pretty dark in the newest installment. Here are some of the very worst things that "Goat Simulator 3" makes players do. 


Granny get your gun

When players start "Goat Simulator 3," they are dropped right into the map's farmland. In that area there is a small house called the Seedson Homestead. There, players get yelled at by an old woman sitting in a rocking chair and holding what looks like a bazooka on one shoulder. Players then quickly discover that this weapon shoots balls of yarn at them and knocks them around, preventing them from getting to the collectible tucked away inside the yard's chicken coop. Players are then tasked with putting an end to the grandma, which mysteriously opens up a door to her basement. 


When players enter the basement, they find a blue pixelated door that looks suspiciously reminiscent of the doors in old school "Wolfenstein" games. Going through the door reveals an entire "Wolfenstein"-esque level, only instead of Nazi soldiers, players have to contend with a small army of yarn bazooka-wielding grannies (of course). 

As a reward for their trouble, players then get the option to mount one of the grandmas on the back of their goat, allowing them to commit their own yarn-based assaults on the go.

Banana cannibalism

If players go to the food factory, they can find a puzzle requiring them to line up conveyor belts on the assembly floor. After correctly placing the five sections of conveyor belt, the line is complete. This allows bits of banana essence(?) to travel down the line and make its way to a large machine connected to a massive tube. 


The banana is then transported through the tube into three glass chambers where people are being held. Like something out of David Cronenberg's "The Fly," these poor test subjects are transformed into horrifying monsters that resemble giant bananas with long floppy tongues, no arms, and bulging eyes that start running around the town. 

The banana-themed antics don't stop there, however. Players can also turn their goat into one of the creatures as well by entering one of the empty glass chambers. Once the goat has become a banana monster, players can also earn a questionable cannibalism-themed achievement or trophy by eating any of the smaller bananas scattered throughout the map.

Atomic bombs

If terrorizing an innocent town with horrible creatures and absolute havoc wasn't enough, players are also able to cause a nuclear apocalypse. To do so, they have to make their way up to the top of the map's water tower. Once there, they can find a door that enters a secret observation room with a few scientists loitering about. 


Directly across from the door, however, is a one-way window with three big red buttons in a row. Two of the buttons are pressed to change latitude and longitude numbers, but the third is ominously labeled "launch." To complete the associated task, players first have to press both the latitude and longitude buttons once each, then hit launch. This launches an atomic bomb into the ocean in the distance, perfectly in front of the water tower's window, complete with a mushroom cloud and everything. 

Then, players can keep pressing the first two buttons until they both read "Too High!" Pressing the launch button after this will trigger a cut scene in which a second atomic bomb is launched into the nearby cul-de-sac and sticks into the ground. The bomb doesn't detonate, but if the player runs over there and gives it an old-fashioned goat headbutt, they can detonate it themselves. This obliterates the surrounding area, which now features desaturated visuals and barren trees to help sell the whole "end times" vibe.


Inviting the aliens

All across the map of "Goat Simulator 3," players can find three power plants with deactivated 5G towers attached to them. After reaching these power plants, players can run through the electrical currents and grant their goat the temporary ability to conduct power. Players then need to run around to the three generators spread about the power plant. By doing so, players are able to activate the local 5G tower, which in turns causes it to shine a bright green light into the distance. 


Once players repeat this at all three towers, eagle-eyed gamers may notice that each of the lights meet at the top of a skyscraper in the downtown section of the map. A cutscene follows that shows three massive UFOs arriving around the skyscraper, seemingly summoned there by the beacons of light. While the UFOs' arrival doesn't seem to do much in the game itself, the implied alien invasion that's surely on the way definitely shines a negative light on the goat's impact on the world. 

A ruined lunch

"Goat Simulator" has a habit of punishing construction workers who like sitting down in high places, and "Goat Simulator 3" is no different. In the franchise's newest outing, however, the stakes are raised as players target a handful of workers all at once — on top of ruining their peaceful lunch break. 


To do so, players have to scale up the crane's ladders to reach the controls. This allows them to take control of the crane, which has its line connected to a steel beam, as well as the workers sitting on it to eat their lunch. Exactly how they got there to start eating — or why in the world they would want to spend a work break suspended high in the air on a small piece of metal — is never explained. 

Once the goat is in control of the crane, players are tasked with swinging the bar around to shake the workers off of it, sending them falling (presumably) to their death. What really makes the objective seem even more mean-spirited is that there is no greater context or motivation behind it. The goat just finds everyday workers taking a break and needs to inject chaos into the situation because. That is its nature.


Catching Bigfoot

Deep in the woods, the goat will come across a group of protestors surrounding a big cage on a platform. The site is surrounded by signs protesting Bigfoot (what did he do?), giving players the task of finding the infamous cryptid and locking it up for good in the massive metal cage. 


The appearance of a cryptid like Bigfoot in "Goat Simulator 3" would feel completely normal, especially next to the game's aliens, banana monsters, and pools of lava sitting in the open. However, players who are expecting to find a tall furry creature in the forest will be sorely disappointed. Instead, the task requires the goat to kidnap a woman peacefully sleeping in the forest. Her crime apparently being that she just has unusually large feet. 

After finding the woman, players have to drag her across the ground and throw her into the cage. The door then automatically locks, keeping her in there for good. She doesn't say anything throughout the process, which might be for the best. The only thing that would make this kidnapping worse is if players also had to hear this innocent bystander protesting being locked up in a cage as a cryptid. 


An electric connection

Near the Bigfoot protestors, players can find a lumberyard filled with plaid-clad lumberjacks performing various tasks. When the player arrives, however, they discover that one of the yard's main machines is broken and they are given the task of fixing it. The machine's issue is easy to see, as the metal tube of wiring that runs from the electrical box to the machine has a large gap in it. 


However, instead of fixing it by dragging a piece of equipment over like players do for the conveyor belts in the food factory, the game instructs our favorite goat to get two lumberjacks to help with the repairs. Unfortunately for these workers, the goat must use them to complete the electrical circuit to the machine, electrocuting the two lumberjacks again and again. With the task completed, the player also just leaves them in that state. Unless someone else comes along, the pair will be shocked indefinitely.

A disastrous ballet

The goat may come across a small stage where players can stumble across various people watching three ballerinas performing, but it leads to anything but a graceful performance. Players are asked to improve the performance, which immediately takes a turn.


To "fix" the choreography, players need to make them spin faster than they could by themselves. Since the goat has limited options, the only way to do so is by headbutting each of them and giving them a good push. Doing so makes them spin much, much faster, but it wouldn't be "Goat Simulator" unless it took things to the next level. 

With all three of the ballerinas spinning next to one another at incredible speed, the resulting force is enough to create a massive tornado right behind the stage. Once the tornado is summoned, it sucks up the ballerinas, most of the audience, a ton of nearby furniture, and even the player, throwing everything in random directions across the map. The twister then briefly moves down the road, causing havoc along the way until it dissipates.


Eradicating the fish

Once you see this peaceful pond, you know it won't stay that way for long. There's a sign next to the pong that says fishing isn't allowed, but that does little to deter the nearby fishermen or the chaotic goat. And lucky enough for the goat, there are giant bundles of dynamite littering the area around the pond as well. 


When players find the pond, they are also given the task called "Fishing in Bulk." The solution to the task is pretty straightforward, seeing as how the dynamite can be armed with a single headbutt. After knocking a few bundles of dynamite into the water, players see loads of trash and fish come flying away from the blast. At first glance, this task isn't as bad as some of the others on the list. Still, that doesn't diminish the fact that it makes players decimate a local pond and possibly kill an entire ecosystem, and all because somebody left some loose dynamite just lying around.

A dark power in the fields

Nestled among some trees and foliage near a small farm in "Goat Simulator 3" is an ominous red circle. The circle pulses with red light and has a person drawn inside it to make it look just slightly more like a pentagram. This is all obviously creepy, but the red circle comes with a more sinister purpose as well. 


Players need to grab scarecrows from the nearby farm and drag them into the circle and leave them there. Whenever this is done, a scary voice speaks in an incomprehensible language. This makes the act feel even more bizarre and unsettling that it already did, especially as it makes it seem like the player is sacrificing the scarecrows to a dark power.

When players assemble the three scarecrows in the ring, a bright bolt of red lightning strikes them, accompanied by more sounds from whatever dark force is behind all of this nonsense. The lightning bolt brings the scarecrows to life, unleashing them on the unsuspecting world. While bringing life to scarecrows isn't necessarily a bad thing to do on the surface, it is obviously done with a sinister purpose. It also raises some serious questions about what the goat is interacting with. 


Potty humor

It is hard to miss the gas station called Fossil Fuel in "Goat Simulator 3," especially thanks to the massive yellow dinosaur statue on its roof. Not only is it a massive statue, but the dinosaur is shooting oil from a can over its head and into a bucket that is resting on the base of its tail. The statue is also at the center of one of the grossest things players can do in all of "Goat Simulator 3." The interaction grants an achievement or trophy called "Nasty!" This is a great descriptor for it. 


To get this achievement, players have to first make their way to the roof. Once there, players need to position their wily goat just under the dinosaur statue. Once the goat is in position and headbutts the statue from below, the statue will start leaking oil in a way that looks like it is (ahem) going to the bathroom on the goat. This leaves the animal covered in a dark liquid substance. To put it lightly, even when you know where the liquid is coming from, it's pretty gross to look at.

Feeding Gerard

Around the farms in the southern region of the map, players can find a large barn door surrounded by hay with two farmers and a massive food dish near it. Next to the barn door there is also a large metal bell that the player can ring by headbutting it. When the bell is rung, the barn doors open up to reveal a gigantic chicken that emerges and eats whatever is in its food bowl


Naturally, this makes players wonder what they can feed the chicken. With two farmers nice and close, they are the easiest things to knock down and put in the bowl for the giant chicken (who is named Gerard the Second, according to the food bowl).

When Gerard is summoned, it eats the farmer in the bowl without any hesitation. If that wasn't bad enough, however, the chicken lays a large egg afterward that then rolls out of the barn through a rusty pipe and leads out to a pile of hay near the food bowl. Players can then break that egg to reveal the very same farmer who was just eaten! This sets up a brutal cycle in which players can continuously feed a farmer to a massive chicken, only for that farmer to pass through the chicken, get laid as an egg, and then land close enough to have the entire process easily repeated over and over.